


THIS is why you don’t bring people back from the dead, you fucking DUMBASS

by nuttbuster9000



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gender-Neutral Apprentice (The Arcana), M/M, Other, also lots of talk about dicks and ass probably, im just having some fun here, julian pisses on asra kind of by accident, they're all very gay for each other, when i mean weird I mean WEIRD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-18 21:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20198527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuttbuster9000/pseuds/nuttbuster9000
Summary: Asra makes a flawed attempt to resurrect the apprentice (pre-Lucio's death) and things get uh... WEIRD. Asra might’ve made one BIG FUCKING OOPSIE...





	1. an odd spell

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after the apprentice dies of the plague but before Lucio dies at the Masquerade.  
Asra has been testing out spells to resurrect his beloved apprentice while he and Julian are supposed to be working on a cure for Lucio.  
In desperation Asra tries this peculiar spell from an obscure tome.  
THIS IS WHY JULIAN THINKS MAGIC IS WEIRD
> 
> I don't know why this exists. I just felt like it was about time I tainted The Arcana characters with my greasy word stink. I haven't written anything fun in a long time...
> 
> Enjoy this garbage.

Asra violently sits on his mound of pillows in the library, eyes spread, knees shut, and butt clenched. This spell HAS to work. Nothing else has so far...

The stinky little man focuses all his sad boy magic energy into the body part where he feels his love for the apprentice the strongest. 

Ah. 

He can feel it getting hard. The spell must be working.

Julian RAMS INTO THE FUCKING LIBRARY DOOR NOSE FIRST, shattering the big ass wooden obstacle to pieces.

Nadia will have to replace it with something more “Nose proof” later...

The blazing lanky lad rolls across the room, ass full of books and hands full of ass.

“ASRA!” He shouts as soon as his face hits one of Asra’s fart tainted pillows.  
“I THINK IVE ALMOST GOT IT!”

Magic man Asra abruptly loses his concentration sending a sudden burst of painful misdirected sad boy energy into his balls.  
As he whips around to yell at julian, he projectile vomits into Julian’s ass.

“Nice catch!” Faust slithers around Julian’s waist in a greeting. 

Once Julian’s hole stops absorbing every last chunk of Asra’s breakfast, Julian stands up abruptly.

“Hey, careful next time! Nada would be furious if we made another mess in here!” Julian seems like he’s about to launch himself into a story about what’s on his mind but suddenly he notices... “ASRA YOUR LEFT NIPPLE IS GLOWING!” A terrified but also aroused expression crosses Julian’s face.

Asra notices and can’t help but laugh once.

“HAH!”

That’s it.

“Ilya you’re face is absolutely stupid.”

Julian struggles not to bust a nut right then and there. 

“Oh yes, I am very much aware. But glowing nipples, that’s a new look for you!”

“I’m trying to focus my magic Ilya... Though I may need something of you.”

“Anything...”

“Your piss, I need it in me now.”

“Eh... e-excuse me?”

“DID I FUCKING STUTTER?” Asra seems to be a little short tempered today, although it may just be because of how tightly he’s clenching his ass right now. He clears his throat. “Blood isn’t the only bodily fluid that’s considered a powerful magical agent. Ilya, I need you to do it.”

“W-where?”

Asra sighs and boops his glowing nipple, suddenly a panel in his chest opens up with a hole ready for the piss. Julian tries not to scream but his mouth is wide open with shock. 

Man this magic stuff really is fucking weird... 

Awkwardly Julian undoes his pants and prepares to do the pissing. 

Asra chuckles. 

“No need to be shy, I’ve already seen your junk.”

“It’s not YOU I’m worried about, wh...what if someone...”

There’s a gasp at the shattered library door.

Nada stands at the entrance watching Julian.  
He stares at her wide eyed and frozen while he unconsciously pisses all over Asra.

“What is the meaning of this?”

“Fucking aim you idiot!” Asra hisses while grabbing Julian’s dick and shoves it into his chest hole.

Nadia steps closer to investigate. Asra doesn’t seem to be bothered by her presence but Julian starts to panic. Of course he does because she fucking caught him with his dick out pissing all over a magician.

Despite the strange scene unfolding in front of her, Nadia seems to be unphased.

“Ahem. Dr. Devorak, Lucio is demanding you tend to him at once... Once you’ve finished here.”

“Y-yes... Of course.” Julian’s face is bright red. Asra only shows a hint of a devilish smile on his lips while the obvious trickle of piss echos through the otherwise silent library .

“I’ll send for servants to clean up this... mess. I trust this magic spell will be quite powerful. I only wish you had done it in a more... Private place.”

“It was quite urgent Nadi.” Asra winks up at Julian.

She casts her gaze onto the squirming pisser. She gives him a tight smile.

“Understandably so. He must’ve been holding it in for quite a while.”

True facts THIS bad boy can hold a LOT of piss. Julian continues to fill Asra’s glowing nipple hole as Nadia turns away. She steps over shards of door, her flowing dress trailing behind her as she waves them farewell.

Asra can’t help but laugh, though he quickly stops himself when he feels the piss slosh around in the magical cavity in his chest.

“Are you almost done?” Asra asks, Julian looks away and shakes his head. He sighs.

“Unfortunately for you I’ve been cursed with a massive bladder.” His classic grin creeps on his lips. “This might take a while.”

“Ilya I think I have more than enough in me already...”

“I can’t just stop! You’re the one who asked for this, so you might as well take it all.”

Asra rolls his eyes. How much longer will he have to clench his ass like this? His legs are already starting to shake, as if focusing all his magical energy into his left nipple and being pissed in wasn’t hard enough...

A few minutes later Julian finally stops pissing.

Asra resists the urge to fall back on his mountain of stinky pillows. Now all he has to do is cast the spell...

“There’s one last thing we need to do...” Asra’s dull expression seems to send chills down Julian’s spine.

—————

Julian briskly strides down the hall to Lucio’s room, Asra scowls as he shuffles to catch up to that lanky boi while he struggles to keep his ass closed.

Julian turns around to see Asra struggling to make his way down the hall, nipple still glowing ominously as servants pass by him. A few more hurry past and one or two look at him wondering if they should ask if he’s alright.  
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Asra nods and waves awkwardly to the servants, giving them a pained smile.

Julian can’t contain his amused grin as he’s never seen Asra look so uncomfortable. He begins to wonder if public shame is part of this strange spell because it’s all too obvious that Asra doesn’t enjoy public humiliation as much as he does. 

Julian waits beside the entrance to Lucio’s room for Asra so they can both confront the sickly Count together, just like he and Asra discussed.

Soon they both enter the lavishly decorated room, a disgustingly large and inaccurate painting of the man huddled in the bed looms over them.

“WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!” Lucio spits, coughing wildly as Julian takes his place next to the bed, ready for Asra’s command.

“I was um... busy, REAL busy working on your cure.” Julian hums playing along to Lucio’s demanding behavior.

“You’re USELESS! I told you I need that cure BEFORE THE MASQUERADE! I can’t have my people celebrate me while I look like THIS!”

Before Julian can reply Asra stands by Lucio’s other side and leans over to his withered frame and lilts...

“Yo, You fuckin ugly!~”

Lucio’s face contorts with rage

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!!?!”

Suddenly long lad Julian hops on top of the Count, pinning his arms and legs to the bed, just as Asra planned.

Briefly shock, confusion, and then maybe arousal cross Lucio’s face as Julian straddles him, but it quickly fades back to anger as insults are not so easily forgotten.

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING GET OFF OF M-“

Asra cuts him off, shoving a hand full of ash into Lucio’s mouth. He sputters and coughs, nearly spitting ash into Julian’s face as Asra struggles to keep the Count’s moth shut. A true struggle on any day but especially hard when you’re trying to climb onto the bed while also keeping your ass shut.

Asra finds his way on top of Lucio’s face and promptly sits on it, smothering the angry wriggling man.

“Now what?” Julian absentmindedly sits back on Lucio’s crotch, Julian blinks.  
Is Lucio... 

Enjoying this...?

“Quickly, I need you to punch me in the dick!” Asra hisses. Julian’s mind quickly hops from one dick to the next. This is certainly a strange day.

“But... I don’t want to hurt y-“

“JUST FUCKING DO IT!”

“-our dick. It’s a very nice one uh-“

“NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR JOKES ILYA!”

Julian sighs.

“Ah, why must I hurt the things I love?”

As soon as the fist hits the peen Asra unclenches, letting Lucio incinerate underneath his magical ass. Both an inhuman screech and radiant light emerge from Asra and Lucio. Julian scampers backwards off of the bed.

Magic is so fucking weird.


	2. Asra's decent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to see that happens during Asra's Magically induced coma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't what I thought it would be

_ Where am I? _

Asra can feel himself floating in the dark abyss. He struggles to open his eyes, but when he manages to, he still sees nothing.

He can feel the last tiny ebbs of magic lingering inside him. Inside feels... So empty, so cold.

The last thing he remembers is...

_ The spell! _

No wonder why his magic is so drained...

He feels the void caress at his back, soft and warm like rolling hills made of sand. It’s undulation carries him in some unknown direction. It feels safe. He feels the void look on him with a loving mother’s eyes. He feels it, almost as if she were saying

“Ah, my son. You’re such an idiot.” With a fond and amused smile on her invisible ethereal face.

He knows, he senses it, the void is carrying him home in the palm of her hand.

But here there is no light. His eyes are open and there seems to be nothing but the feeling of the void that carries him.

“Rest.” She seems to say. “You’ve nearly killed yourself and drained all your magic. It will take a while for it to come back to you as will it take us a while to get you to the Magician’s realm.”

She pauses to let him drink in her words.

“You’ve fallen so far into my depths. As much as I love your company I do not wish to see you again until you permanently fall upon death.”

Asra parts his lips to speak but no sound escapes.

“You... are wondering if you are dead right now...”

She pauses choosing her words carefully.

“For this moment yes.”

Asra feels his heart sink. Was all this really worth dying for?

“Do not fret. Our journey back to the land of the living may feel long but it will have only been a passing moment in your recollection of time.”

The void feels as though her reassurance isn’t quite helping calm Asra’s concerns.

“Though you are void of magic you may still dream to pass the time.”

Asra closes his eyes and tries to take a deep breath but there is no air.

“Occupy your mind... so this absence of being doesn’t trouble you so.”

Not being able to sense anything other than the void is a bit unsettling. He tries to recall images... memories... his imagination has always been vivid. Though he may not be able to reach any of his usual dream escapes like he usually does through magic but he can still try to see with his mind's eye...

It’s difficult at first to get the absolute nothingness out of his head as well as the overwhelming presence of void mom, but he manages to conjure up some mental imagery.

Like a pin hole in the darkness, light starts to seep in. At first singular colors start to bleed out of the gloom but eventually it rises into a swirling mess of color and indistinguishable shapes.

Nothing seems to make sense. Echos of familiar voices brush past Asra’s ears but he hears no words. Distinct smells start to waft into his nose but he can’t quite define them.

Shapes start to gather into almost humanoid figures, like dark shadows against an overcast sky.

“Ssssraaa”

Echos of his name seep into his mind. Soon other syllables and half words start to congeal around him.

Objects also start to become distinguishable, but only if he focuses on them. As soon as he looks away they’ve turned into something else.

Soon he finds himself on a beach. It looks familiar, almost like the docks he and Muriel grew up on, except there is a palace hallway where the dock should be.

He steps off of the sand and onto the cool marble floor of the palace hallway. He seems to walk for a while, passing the library which seemed to have a garden growing in it. Waking on for a bit longer he eventually turns to look the way he came, he realizes he’s in a courtyard. Not one he’s ever seen at the palace but it feels royal all the same.

He’s completely surrounded by high white stone walls. Somehow he knows beyond them there is a forest. And inside that forest is the one he loves.

Surprised to hear his own voice he calls out to them.

He hears an echo of their voice from somewhere distant. His heart lurches longing to see them again. But he can’t get past the walls. They’re too high.

He hears a soft chuckle behind him.

Asra turns around to see Julian there standing long with his cloak billowing despite there being no wind.

Asra feels some kind of anger rise up in his chest... Julian was supposed to be responsible for his apprentice after all...

Asra raises his voice determined to say...

“Squeak!”

His voice catches in his throat. The words can’t seem to come out.

“Squeak SQUEAK SQueeeeEEEAAK!?”

Asra with the voice of a squeaky toy grasps at his throat.

“Ah you know I can’t get enough of you when you talk like that.” Julian gives him a sultry look.

Frustrated, Asra grabs Julian’s wrist and pulls it hard. But awkwardly it seems to detach from his body.

“Ahhh Asra you know me too well! Are you going to try and decapitate me next?” Julian laughs then bites his lip. Asra throws Julian’s detached arm against one of the walls.

“Oooh I felt that one!”

Asra tries to speak again.

“Me gustaría comer mini salchichas contigo!”

He has no idea what he said or what language that was but at least it didn’t come out as a squeak this time.

“Oh that does sound delightful. Shall we make it a date?”

No no no this is wrong!

Julian slaps his own ass in excitement.

“We haven’t been on a date in weeks!”

He laughs gleefully at first but it soon starts to turn into hysterical howl. Is he... Crying?

Suddenly Muriel appears. He has an uncharacteristically wide grin on his scruffy face.

“Assssraaaa! Such a good pal ol buddy o mine! I haven’t seen you in a while! You seem down. Have a seat cause I got one heck of a tall tale to tell ya!”

Asra slumps down back against the wall a bit unnerved. He watches as Muriel curls his lips up in a wicked smile. He claps his strong hands together and whisks off his ragged cloak, slapping Julian with it.

"BEHOLD!" Muriel flexes, his muscles rippling. He holds up his biceps. " Have YOU ever wanted to know where you could get guns like THESE?!?!"

Asra listlessly shakes his head. He slaps his own not as ripped bicep. He can't help but admire Muriel's pure buffness. In this strange mental fog he can't help but notice his desire to crawl into Muriel's beefy arms and have him carry him home... Wherever home is... But Muriel's deep voice cuts through his thoughts.

"WELL TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY LITTLE MAN! FOR TODAY ONLY I'LL GIVE YOU HALF OOF ON OUR NEW PROTEIN POWD-"

Muriel's words seem to drift away from Asra's mind. He's speaking but Asra can't seem to focus on whatever it is he's saying...

Asra just watches the scene before him feeling very distant.

In demonstration Muriel picks up Julian with one swoop of his arm. Julian seems to be giddy, laughing and crying for some damn reason as Muriel throws him in the air almost as if he were trying to juggle the noodly man. The devious grin on Muriel's face seems wrong. Julian just seems... More dramatic than usual. But Asra can't seem to connect the dots. The fog in his thoughts is just too strong. Even the memories of the void have quickly faded away from this new reality presenting itself before Asra.

_ Magic. _

Asra remembers...

_ Magic... I'm a magician! _

He tries to conjure something simple, perhaps a flicker of light or a droplet of water...

But his arms feel wrong. There is no power flowing through his veins... His heart, his mind... Feel fractured in a way.

Asra looks past his two friends wrestling playfully to see a large clock on the wall that hadn't been there before. It doesn't seem to be a clock that tells the time of day... No, it only ticks every so often, almost whenever it feels like it wants to. Not only that, but it ticks backwards. As if it's counting down towards something.

Decidedly the clock ticks once more and chimes as the hands meet. Large bells clang and echo in Asra's mind and around the walls.

Julian and Muriel seem to freeze in some kind of terror.

The tall stone walls seem to sink down into the floor, gradually revealing the outer forest.

As soon as the walls become flush with the ground, a surge of water rushes in from every direction. The forest is planted in the middle of what seems to be an ocean. Asra can see the horizon beyond the trees and there is nothing but the wide expanse of water and sky.

The water rushes around him but it does not sway or push him. It's almost as if his body and the water do not exist to each other. He sees the waves pass through his waist as if he wasn't even there.

The water rises through the trees, Julian and Muriel have disappeared underneath the water, sinking like stones. Asra looks frantically around to try and see if he can catch a glimpse of the apprentice between the trees. But he doesn't see them. No matter where he looks. The water climbs higher.

"Oh Asra!"

The familiar voice echoes around him with a hint of amusement in their tone.

He hears their laugh, but the water is up to his chin now and the fact that this water ignores his existence makes it impossible to try and swim. Soon the water rushes over his eyes and over his head.

He holds his breath but knows he doesn't need to breathe.

** "It's TIME!" **

he hears the words all around him. He doesn't know this new voice but it's inflection strikes fear in him.

** "yeah bitch you should be scared." **

He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know if he can even speak.

** " ** ** There are realms beyond your understanding, and you're in mine. Better buckle up buttercup. Time to get this show GOING!" **

He feels his limbs tingle as if they'd fallen asleep, or maybe they are falling asleep... It's hard to tell.

_ ** " ** _ ** Tingle me bingle! Oh your limbs are so nimble!" **

He hears the voice laugh.

** "What a shame it would be if something were to happen to them~" **

Suddenly his limbs turn into noodles like pasta like ramen like noodle.

_ _

** "I've had noodles before but your kind ain't that tasty." **

He's not quite sure if that was him speaking or someone using his voice to speak.

** "Speech and words have limits" **

_ ** Wouldn't it be fun for a change to break out of them? ** _

_ ** Take my hand Asra. It's not like you have a choice. ** _

_ I feel like the lines are blurring. _

_ ** They are indeed. ** _

_ You can hear my thoughts? _

_ ** Yes. It becomes oh such a problem to have to tell them to someone else for you. ** _

_ What do you mean? _

_ ** Oh. You wouldn't understand even if I told you. Let's have some fun shall we? While you're here in the void. ** _

_ The void? That's right... I'm dreaming. _

_ ** Yes and so are they. ** _

_ Hm? _

_ ** Don't worry yourself. They can't say anything. They're merely observers. They've been watching you for a very long time. ** _

_ Ah... Alright. _

_ ** I may be cruel but there's nothing here that you won't survive. ** _

_ ... And you said I didn't have a choice in this? _

_ ** Not really no. ** _

_ I suppose this is what I get for- _

_ ** Making a real dumb ass decision and using a real dumbass spell and almost killing yourself. ** _

_ Y-yes. I guess so. _

*The clock bells chime again*

_ ** Ah it seems it's almost time for you to move on to the next phase... ** _

_ Please tell me... Will I ever get to see them again? _

_ ** Ah it seems you can't recall their name. ** _

_ N-no... I can't no matter how much I try. _

_ ** As long as you're *here* you won't remember... And yet I can tell you that you'll see them again. ** _

_ Thank you. _

_ ** Don't thank me yet you absolute fool! You should be more careful about these kinds of things, who's to say you won't like what you find once you see them again? ** _

_ ... _

_ ** Don't even think about giving me that sappy shit about loving them no matter what. ** _

_ But- _

_ ** DON'T! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! Ugh. ** _

_ owo _

*The clock chimes once again with a little more finality*

_ ** BEGONE WITH YOU!!!!! ** _

*swats Asra away by slapping his ass*

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*fawwing*

*hits the fwoor*

_xwx_

* * *

*opens eyes*

Owo what's this???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i am so SO tired


	3. deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the journey back to the land of the living takes a while. the mind suffers

*ding dong bitch*

Asra hears the clock echo in the back of his mind

Apprentice is there

Asra’s OwO has been defeated

The two of them stand on the shop counter

Oh

The glass breaks

The two of them stand IN the shop counter

Spicy magic glass caressing their legs making many ouchies

“Why don’t you clean the fuck up after yourself once in a while?” The apprentice yoots

Asra turns small and green and hisses

“CLEANLINESS DISGUSTS ME, LET ME BAITHE IN MY FILTHHHH”

He rolls around in the glass shards

He dies

“I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

The apprentice slaps his tiny green dead ass getting a hand full of glass.

“DISAPPOINTED!” The apprentice wiggles in fury “Why the FUCK do I always have to clean up your messes!”

The apprentice bursts into flames while ticking the tiny green Asra ass, it vibrates back to life.

“DON’T FUCKING SUMMON ME! JUST LET ME DIEEEE!!!!”

“That’s such a Julian thing to say.” The apprentice YEETS the tiny green glass filled Asra at the wall.

He splatters, his juicy remains everywhere.

“I can’t believe you’ve done this, Asra you motherFUCKER!”

Infuriated at Asra making a mess again the apprentice squeezes the floor. It squeezes back.

*MOTHERFUCKING DING DONG!* the clock chimes again

The little shitty bits of Asra juice fall through the floor into someone’s tea cup

* * *

Slurp slurp bitch

Julian goes to drink Asra

“DON’T SLURP ME YOU FOOL!” Asra screams with his tiny goo face then busts a fuckin nut in Julian's mouth as the nose boy slurps his stinky asra tea.

“My man succed this guy's dick so hard he DIED” Nadia's voice echos from across the table

Julian fuckin LOL's so hard he spits some asra at Nadia's dress.

"Yea that fuckin sounds like something Lucio would do." Julian big gulps more of Gooasra mmm yes vore.

"I didn't know I married a goddamn dick murderer." NAdi throws her eyebrows away. and slaps her temples. clicks her heels. She's GONE. She fell out the window.

Julian sighs and licks his lips.

"If only I had someone to murder MY dick hnggg"

Asra reconstitutes in Julian's inside. Fucking asra hand busts outta Julian's chest.

"Well, that's new." Julian's eyes big.

Asra legs bust outta Julian's ass cheeks

"Well, THAT's HOT..." Julian stands up, then leans back on Asra's legs. "oh no I've got lazy bitch disease. Asra, take me to the royal BATH!"

Asra would yell something right now if his face wasn't inside Julian's tit but he does try anyway.

"Oh my, my titty is screaming! Such a facinating discovery for science!"

Julian slaps his titty and Asra in the face. DOUBLE KILL.

After sprinting full force down the hall they reach the royal BATH and ASra trips them both into the bath water which happens to be filled with piss for no discernable reason.

They both drown in the piss water. Julian loves it.

*DING MY FUCKING DONG*

clock yells...

* * *

Ass reaches out of the water

he clanks his hands on the glow sand

mr. magic fox beeps at him like dial up but alas he's also a fax machine

mr. magic fax slaps Ass in the ass

Ass's ass is angry

it yells more dial up noises at magic fax

Magic fax's eyes go horizontal

Assra bleeds in response

Mr fax's eyes spit in rage

"Do you think you're you? Does that make you feel? How bou't enchilada?"

Ass claps in contempt

"YOu thought this argument was over? HeCK! You dare defy me? Smother in comfort your long is DEAD!"

Fax growls in binary

"LEG GROW! MY LTE IS STUNNING! HOW DOES THAT SEETHE BINE TWIXT THINE EFFIFEFFECCES?"

AAAAASs coos parallel to the car

"DINE THINE TRANQUIL SLEEP, DOTH HAVE ANY BEEF TO QUEEF MINE SILKY SLIME BEAST? HEAVEN IS NOT WAITING FOR YOUR DEATH, BE PREPARED FOR THINE ETERNAL SLICE. THOU BODY IS SPLAYED FOR THE PILLS OF WITHER TO DEVOUR, MINE COMPANY IS WANTED ELSEWHERE. YOU THE TINY COOTH ELATE BELOW MY MASS. I COMMAND YOU TO DECEASE."

*yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying*

te clock chomes 1nce again

fell by fax exclude

last vision of blue

ASs alone

effervescent

ting

belate

bright pain

garlic sauce

nose breading

slimy finger stone

nut bounce and noodle

cold hair vacuum winds pair

cloth body flimsy dry baggage

heavy sticks thick flesh solid contact

real rush loud air tingle sausages breathe

chest ball hard strings drip drink in gum tubes

yes right live teeth warm fill eyes eat ears sing arms

*the clock chimes once more*

Everything becomes as it is intended.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on twitter and instagram @nuttbuster9000 for absolutely nothing at all.


End file.
